“I heard you and your husband were having a hard time getting pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for almost 2 years now and it’s probably one of the most stressful things to go through and it’s really hard to stay positive when everyone around you is getting pregnant, especially if you have no one to talk to that has been through it or going through it. If you ever want to talk about anything you can call me.”
Her life raft thrown out to me over the internet made it evidently clear that while millions of woman proudly announce they are pregnant, woman who struggle with this are barely whispering.
I thought I had a fairly good grasp on how getting pregnant worked. I took sex ed, watched the intro clip to “Look Who’s Talking” so naturally I’m well informed. I’m trying to be humorous but seriously, since the day my husband and I started trying to get pregnant I have learned much more than previously mentioned.
An unspoken rule of girl talk is that no subject is off limits but some subjects just aren't brought up. No one wants to be the Eeyore of the conversation. The woe is me tale of sorrow but the woman struggling with infertility has story to tell. A story that I didn't hear until it was spoken through my very own mouth. A side that is raw and personal and most of the time very, very lonely. You hear about so and so that got pregnant by just looking at each other and so you think this is the norm. What you don’t hear about is the couple who didn’t have that magic look, who tried and tried and might still be trying.
It’s been 10 months. My doctor said it could take anywhere from 6 to 12 months to conceive. I remain positive but negative on a pregnancy test.
As I’ve spoke to women about my journey most say, “it’ll happen, it only takes one time.” I appreciate their support but it doesn’t just take one time. I know. My hubby and I have tried lots of times.
I yell to my husband, “Ok it’s day 11 in my cycle, the ovulation strip is dark pink, LH levels are high - let’s do this!” So much hope and belief that this one time was the time. Then day 30 rolls up like a smug know-it-all on a box of tampons, announcing - “told you this wasn’t the month” and down the toilet goes my proof and hope.
With the exit of my excitement come the tears, the frustration and the impatience. All good things are worth the wait but in the waiting I battle within myself. This process at times consumes me. My day starts out great and then I go on facebook and see someone’s pregnant. Friends call to tell us that they weren’t even trying and they are pregnant. I’m scheduled to work in the nursery at church, surrounded by babies none of them mine. All of these events are seamlessly normal and while I smile and rejoice with family and friends each time a pit in my stomach grows and a dark wicked thought creeps in, “what if it’s never my turn.” What if?
As a spiritual lady I know better than to entertain these thoughts. I recognize my life is full to the brim – to the measure of overflowing but if I am being honest, I am sensible enough to know you don’t get everything you want right when you want it. You get what you need and maybe what I need is to believe. To know it’s just not the right time but minute by minute I’m getting closer.
I am balancing on a tight rope. I fall into thoughts of pity and frustration but bounce back to hope. For now I indulge in others kids. I grow more in love with my husband as we press into God and each other for comfort and reassurance. I find new bonds with new friends over a matter that isn’t yet determined but we leave those conversations women who are determined. I share this journey openly so that you know you are not alone and there is always strength found in that.
Through this process I have learned several things:
1. Pray. Even if you don’t consider yourself spiritual ask God for whatever it is you need through this time. You’re His kid and he’s always listening so why not just give it a shot.
2. I won’t ask if a couple is trying to have a baby. Why? They may be several months into trying with no avail, they may have recently miscarried and the pain is reopened with my careless prodding. They may just not want kids and are tired of defending and explaining this choice. All the above are reasons why I will talk about the weather with a married couple for 20 boring minutes before I will ask if they are trying for kids. Find another topic!
3. Choose to live joyfully. It is a choice and while it’s ok to have feelings of sadness I cannot live under a grey cloud. Life does not slow down for you during these blue times and if you don’t perk up you’ll miss so many of the other blessings flying by.
4. If you open up to someone about this trial don’t be offended if they act like it’s no big deal. They may not have walked in these shoes and so you cannot be mad if they don’t understand.
5. Rejoice with those who rejoice. This year I was at my nephew’s baptism and earlier that morning I received nature’s way of notification that I wasn't pregnant. It took all I had to smile that day as I watched my family and many others baptize their beautiful little babies knowing it again was not my turn. You may think, how selfish of me to feel this way on such a celebration but I can’t help the way I feel I can only choose to act out joy. See #2 again
6. Your husband is sad too. As I woman I feel like the failure in this situation but as the saying goes it takes two to tango. Make him feel special as he comforts you each month. Let him know he’s the rock getting you through. Talk about how you feel and make sure you ask him the same. Honest communication has bonded Matthew and I so much through this time.
7. Your husband is more than just ahhh…well…..you know. Keep the romance is all I’m saying. This isn't doing the dishes - it isn't a chore. If it feels like it talk it out, switch it up.
8. Enjoy your freedom to sleep in. I’ve talked with a lot of parents and they are tired. Just sayin!